For Chrissakes, I'm not diseased. I'm also sick of being called a "single", as if my not being in a relationship automatically means that I'm free to be snatched up by the first horny guy to notice I exist.
"Like, oh my god, you aren't in a relationship?"
"Nope".
"But aren't you looking forward to finding somebody to share your life with?"
Why do I have to share my life with somebody? Whenever I express the desire to remain single, the general reaction is "Oh sweetie, you'll find someone who will change all that". And maybe I will. But why is that the goal here? In case you have failed to notice, I am perfectly whole on my own. I'm not missing pieces. I don't need another person to make me feel complete, or to make my life better. In every "relationship" I've ever been in, I've actually felt like pieces of me were falling off; either I was shedding them, or the boy in question was trying to pick which pieces he liked and discard the rest. They're my pieces, and I'll do what I wish with them, thank you very much. Why do people keep insisting that I'll find someone who I'll fall head over heels for into a drooling puddle of looooove. Who on earth would believe that kind of emotion to be healthy or permanant? What I want to know is why they think I'll be happier with someone. Are they so unobservant that they never realized I was miserable every time I tried to have a relationship? I'm not going to pretend to be all cynical. "It" could very well happen for me. But I am currently unable to imagine myself being fulfilled while in a relationship. And that is okay.
Do people have this obsession with curing single people of our obvious disease because they pity us? Like, they just want us to feel the pure bliss of finding true love? Guess what, darlings: pure bliss can be found in many places. I defy you to tell me that I can't find it in other ways. I sing. I write. I have friendships. I have places. Tell me I'm not blissfully happy while experiencing those things. Tell me. I dare you. You're pity means nothing to me. I'm happier alone than I've ever been while linked to another person, and many people who are currently linked seemed to me to be much happier whilst unattached.
Or, does this desire to "couple" everybody happen because we live in a culture where you haven't matured until you've had sex, which is something often associated with relationships?
"You're still a virgin? Haha, you must be a prude/immature/scared".
"You're still a virgin? Good girl, keep your innocence for as long as possible".
Why does it matter if I've had sex or not? Whether I'm "immature" or "innocent", why am I considered different just because some guy hasn't shoved his penis inside of me? If you're different after having sex, I'm pretty sure that means you're doing it wrong. If a person hasn't had sex in our culture, then they get two choices: be asexual, or claim that they're "waiting". The former aside, why must people be seen in relation to whether or not they've fucked somebody else? She's "waiting". She's not, you know, a fabulous artist, or an aspiring travel journalist, or an avid collector of obscure socks. Nope. She's a virgin. Because a person hasn't lived until they've had sex. They need that other person in their life, however briefly, in order to validate their existence. They can't possibly be content with their life if it does not contain romance.
I'm not saying I think legitimate love doesn't exist, or that there aren't people in relationships who are so happy they feel like there are rockets in their feet that could shoot them to the moon. I'm saying stop defining people by whether or not they are currently "single" or "in a relationship". Stop telling me that eventually I'll change my mind and get married. You don't get to tell me that. I'm 17; there are many other much more important things I should be concerning myself with right now.
Every single person is not a set-up waiting to happen, Yenta. This is not Fiddler on the Roof.
When I think of a relationship, I don’t think of 2 halves coming together to become a whole. I think of two individuals, who are complete by themselves and in no need of a relationship, hooking up. Then when they join, the uniqueness of each combined creates synergy, as opposed to saying “you complete me” which leads me to think that that relationship has the capability of one human being.
ReplyDeleteWhen I look for a relationship, I think of it more as a team. The lovers are a team of two interesting and inspiring people who like working with each other and inspire the other to do better than they would if they were alone.
The whole concept of not being an item, rather two separate parts that were together but were awesome when apart too was bit of a sticking point in my last relationship. I want to be my own identity, an individual, not a two for one sale. This also relates to clinginess. By clinging, they are insecure on their own which somehow doesn’t make me want to be with them.
My answer to “aren’t you looking forward to finding somebody to share your life with?” is. It’s my life and I don’t have to share it. Rather I’ll let them in into my life now and again, and it is something I look forward too, but I’m in no rush to find a shoulder to lean on.
All that being said, I know a relationship does involve supporting each other when the road becomes too rocky.
You should start a blog.
DeleteI agree that relationships should be two whole people, not two half people. But I wanted to know why people seem to hold a special type of pity for those who don't wish to be with another whole person; people who feel less whole when they are with another person and simply enjoy being alone. Why do we need to let "lovers" into our lives at all?
I agree. Start a blog.
DeleteWe let lovers into our lives becaues either we don't feal compleet without a partner, or because being in a relationship is fun, or becaues they are rich, or becaeus they need somone at their side to face the day. There are many reasions to let somone into your life. Make sure you choose a good one.
Deleteoh, and only half the people in the world pity single people becaues they remember how incompleet they were when they were single and want you to be happier. The other half envie the freedome of single people and the fact that they can flurt without geting slapped.
See? Jeremy's a genius.
DeleteThis was rather interesting to read.
ReplyDeleteDear, you're not even 18 yet, and (to my knowledge) you've only ever dated highschool guys. I think it might be a tad early for you to decide you don't want a relationship or that you will always be miserable in one- but of course you know yourself better than I do.
No, sex does not mean you have lived.
That being said, everyone changes after having sex (or some extension thereof). It's a scientifically proven psychological thing. Unless you get pregnant or crabs you aren't going to physically change, but your brain will. Sorry honey but it's a fact. It’s preposterous for people to act like you’re lacking if you haven’t had someone’s expenditures inside one of your holes, but people are silly. They need to make themselves feel glorified, and if they realize they’ve experienced something you haven’t, they’ll attempt to hold it over your head.
Yeah, people are not made whole by being with another person, but I believe people were made to have community. In a perfect world, your 'mate' and you would exist as separate persons who work together to create community. To continue as a nation you need babies. Babies become emotionally traumatized unless they live in a healthy environment. A healthy environment is made by two people who happen to respect and care about each other, and have decided that intimacy is something they wanted to have.
My parents are happy together. Are they wrong? Should they not have gotten married or started dating just because in the past they dated other people who didn't respect them?
I don’t think a ‘relationship’ should be a priority. However people do all kinds of things just because it’d be enjoyable. Why is a ‘relationship’ any different?
I'm just annoyed because "single" is either glorified or pitied. It can't just be a thing that someone is. I know I'll most likely change my mind once I, you know, mature passed adolescence, but I don't like that if someone decides they don't want to be romantically intimate, even for the time being, they're seen as if something is wrong with them.
ReplyDeleteYou're parents are most certainly not wrong.
It's not. But not everyone finds relationships enjoyable.
P.S. Why do you always have to be right about everything?
Understandable. Any particular instance? (the anger resonating from the post suggests yes...)
ReplyDeleteMaybe not every relationship should have happened. Considering most facets of life revolve around romance in some manner (songs, novels, baby making) it is easy to assume that it's often enjoyed, and even sought after. Eventually finding someone who (ideally) would care about you unremittingly is rather appealing in my opinion.
PS it makes it easier for me to annoy people.
I was actually reading a magazine, and there were two articles about "singledom": one was a guy who feels basically the same way as I do talking about how people who are single are still seen as "incomplete", and one was talking about ways about single people dining out alone, and how it's so rare. The second one especially annoyed me, because people shouldn't feel awkward doing something alone if they wouldn't feel awkward doing it with other people.
DeleteThat's not a maybe. Even though experience is good to have. It seems like sometimes people glamourize it, though. Only if you care about them back.
P.S. Good point ;)