And the quest for emotion continues.
Feeling has become a source of alarm for me. Or, more accurately, lack of feeling has become a source of alarm. The ability to create is at the highest point on the tippity-top of my list of "Things Worth Living For". Imagining a world in which it was not possible to produce beautiful music or books or poems or pictures just seems vaguely pointless to me. They express the previously unexpressable. But the problem is, the most evocative, powerful, and poetic works of art are created by special people; people who feel; people who notice life.
I rarely feel any emotion, let alone strong emotion. Self-pity doesn't count.
I can fake emotion pretty well. It's becoming a skill that I am trying to hone. It's part of the reason why I love singing so much: you don't necessarily have to feel what you are expressing, you just have to make the audience believe that you feel it.
Maybe it just...ahem...feels that way; maybe I just think that others feel emotions more powerfully than I do, because people have a tendancy to overuse this thing called "hyperbole"; or maybe I really am a couple self-inflicted barriers away from being a full blown psychopath. But, whatever the reason, when I step back for a moment, pull out my metacognition, and examine myself, I will usually come to the conclusion that I really don't care too much about the situation that I'm in, or where I'm headed, or whatever else. And then I have to start wondering about why I'm going that way in the first place. And then that brings to question where I could go where I would care about what I'm doing. And then I realize that I don't know, because the only thing that really seems to matter to me is creating, but I haven't the experience nor the emotion nor the "born with it" quality to create something worth anything.
And then feeling becomes a source of alarm for me.
And then I realize that I'm back at the beginning.
I think that some of the best creations come from people who don't feel. They're either beyond caring, too overwhelmed to care, or they don't know what to feel.
ReplyDeleteI'm bringing you a book tomorrow. You will read all of it promptly, or I will throw a pit bull at you. And you will die.
Also, you create marvelous videos that bring mirth to slightly manic-depressed people. I also get the feeling you care about caring, and writing. But I may be completely wrong.
Any creations worth noting?
ReplyDeleteOkay :)
I'm glad that they bring you mirth. I have this visual of you sitting disheveled in front of your computer, giggling uncontrollably. It brings me mirth. No, I think you're spot on about that.